The best ways to support a partner with cancer

The best ways to support a partner with cancer

When someone you love and care about such as your spouse or partner receives a diagnosis of cancer, it’s like a punch in the gut.  You were not the one given the diagnosis but now, suddenly and with little warning, are now included on this journey called “cancer” and it wasn’t a road you were intending to take.

A diagnosis of cancer does not just affect the person with the disease.  It encompasses the entire family and especially the spouse or partner. You have built a life together sharing the intricacies of daily living. You likely have a rhythm to your days but that will now change.  Now there are numerous doctor’s visits, treatments, bills to pay, household chores to keep up with, family and job obligations all while your loved one is feeling tired, overwhelmed, and more in need of support than ever. 

As the support person for your partner, you are likely feeling helpless. Your partner needs someone to be their rock, their support person who they can trust and lean on.  You are that person but how do you do the job effectively?  First, there is no perfect way to be a support person for someone with cancer.  It’s a job few of us want but if and when it falls into our lap, it’s time for us to step up to the plate.  Never underestimate your role.  It is critical for your partner’s emotional well-being as studies have shown they respond better to treatments when they have good social support. 

It is important from the very beginning to take your role as their support person seriously.  Think of it as a calling and understand the significant impact it can have on your relationship as a couple and difference you can make in their life.  Here’s how to start:

·      Be encouraging

This is not to say you have to have a Pollyanna attitude at all time.  There will be times when your spouse will be emotionally drained but so will you.  It’s alright to have a good cry, privately. Your partner will need you as their emotional anchor.  Having you to care for them, showing your support, love, and positive attitude goes a long way in their recovery process.  Allow your partner to openly express their feelings, no holds bar.  If they know they can tell you whatever is on their mind without fear of ridicule or consternation, this can keep the positivity flowing during the cancer process. 

·      Be their advocate

Anyone with a serious or life-threatening disease needs an advocate.  They need someone, if necessary, to go to battle with hospital bureaucracies, insensitive doctors, thoughtless nurses, or anyone else.  It will be your job to ask the hard questions, complain when nothing is getting done, and to act in their best interest.  It is not unusual for even the best medical care personnel to get too busy or preoccupied.  This is when a strong advocate can bridge that gap making sure your partner gets the care they need. 

·      Help them organize

There will be numerous things to keep track when it comes to cancer - doctor’s appointments, medications, hospital bills, test reports, and all the other fine details that go along with a cancer diagnosis. Sometimes the cancer patient likes to be in charge of these things giving them a sense of control and active participation which can be very therapeutic.  But, if they are emotionally or physically not prepared, then you will need to be the one organizing these issues making sure nothing is getting overlooked or forgotten. This can also bring a sense of relief to your partner if they do not have to deal with these details allowing them to simply work on getting healthy and well again.

·      Keep your day-to-day life normal

A cancer diagnosis is scary but it does not mean life suddenly comes to a grinding halt.  Life goes on.  If you have children at home, they will still go to school and should keep actively participating in their extracurricular activities.  Your normal routines should be kept that way. Continue working and if your partner was working before their diagnosis and if they can do so, they should keep working too.  Refuse to let cancer completely run your lives and take over your routines. 

·      Help them find humor in each day

For people living with cancer, it may seem strange to find humor when facing a serious situation.  Yet even serious conditions such as cancer can have humorous moments.  Learn to laugh and to laugh often.  It helps release endorphins, the feel-good hormones, while taking the edge off of tense moments. Humor and laughter can help both you and your partner feel better about yourselves and the world around you.  The after effects of a good laugh can help both of you feel better for hours. 

·      Help them pray/meditate

Whatever your spiritual beliefs, realize those beliefs are a part of the situation also.  Having a strong spiritual faith can be a powerful resource to rely on. Use the power of prayer/meditation together in this fight of your lives.  This may be your greatest source of strength as you go through this journey called cancer.