Why it pays off to be a generous lover?

Surely the topic has come up, whether with your partner or with friends about what kind of lover you are. Many times there is a correlation between your personality and the type of lover you are or the types of sexual positions you might prefer. For some there connections are clear, and for others the translation between bedroom and life seems a bit like a coincidental fortune cookie. But how much of this actually holds true? And how does your bedroom decorum affect your relationship and daily life?

A study conducted last year by the University of Toronto found that generous lovers increased overall sexual desire and arousal for their lovers and within their relationship. Their research was published in the journal of Social Psychological and Personality Science, and noted that focusing on the desires of your partner rather than on your own increases arousal for the giver as well. So it seems being generous really does pay off in the end.

Researchers studied what they call “sexual communal strength” in long term couples, what they defined as the willingness to meet a partner’s sexual needs. They had both partners in the relationship fill out daily sex surveys for a total of 3 weeks.  In analyzing the data, they found that four months later, generous lovers reported higher levels of daily arousal as well as more desire for their partner than the less-generous couples.

Generosity has a positive effect in many aspects of life. In general, it feels good to pay it forward and give back to other. Past research suggests that giving to others is good for the self. This study suggests that the positive effects of generosity are even stronger with a sexual partner. Furthermore, there is definitely a boost in overall confidence in being able to satisfy your partner's needs in the bedroom. The key is for both partners to be generous, not just one or the other. Compromise is key in this generosity effect to work as it did in the study described. The exclusion of one partner’s desires won't deliver the same outcome. Make sure you both feel satisfied and accounted for. 

Best Sex Toys for Men

Sex toys have often been associated with solo play, or masturbation, when a partner is not available for one reason or another. But for many couples where one partner owns a sex toy, it has become commonplace for those sex toys to find their way into the bedroom and into the sexual interaction. Many find toys as a new and exciting sexual adventure with their partners, and a way to keep things interesting. To be sure there are a great many items on the market these days, and not just for women. Here are some ideas (mostly for him), for toys to add some spice to your sex life whether with a partner or alone.

1. A pulsator: it's called a pulsatior because this toy goes back and forth, instead of side to side. So technically speaking, it's not actually a vibrator. This unique back and forth motion means it mimics the sensation of sex, similar to thrusting.
2. Remote controlled vibrations: if you've ever asked the question, then someone has surely answered with "there's an app for that!"  The same holds true with sex toys. One of how latest trends in sexual pleasure is called “teledildonics”. This is a group of electronic sex toys that can be controlled by phone, and work in conjunction with an app that can be used to control the vibrator from across the room or across the world. This is something great for keeping connected as a long-distance couple, but of course can be used alone.
3. Penile stimulator: this toy typically looks like a vacuum cleaner (sorry, but it does), but stimulates the often ignored glands of the penis.  The toy fits snugly over just the head of the penis and vibrates in adjustable patterns and speeds.  It can be used as a tool in masturbation or with a partner during non-penetrative sex, for a new kind of hand job.
4. Glass Dildo: this toy is intended for rectal use and made from high quality, handmade glass. Because it is glass, it can be used with any type of lubricant, allowing for a lot of variation. An added benefit of a glass dildo is the option for temperature play. It can be put in warm water for a warming sensation, or in the fridge for a cooler sensation.
5. Stainless steel dildo: Similar to a glass dildo, stainless steel is perfect for temperature play.  It can be used vaginally or anally, and either partner can derive pleasure from its use.
6. G-Spot stimulator : Perfect for couples who have trouble finding or stimulating the g-spot. This can help men and women experience more intense sexual sensations and open themselves to sexual exploration.  Just to note, there are male and female specific g-spot stimulators that are designed for the curves of each.
7. Vibrating Rings: Vibrating penile rings are a pretty run of the mill, grab bag type of sex toy.  But that doesn’t mean it can't  be fun.  It is best to find something that is silicon, durable and stays in place.  Some more advanced models offer different levels of intensity and patterns. This toy is great for couples play, as it can be worn around the penis or used for clitoral stimulation.

New Sex Position to Try

It is easy to be well-versed in the health benefits of sex.  We’ve written about them is past articles, but in case you forgot then here they are:

·       Counts as exercise

·       Lowers risk of heart disease

·       Boosts immune system

·       Brightens up complexion

·       Relieves stress

·       Promotes better sleep

·       Lowers blood pressure

·       Increases mental clarity

That being said, sex is also meant to be fun.  Sometimes a couple’s sex life can get boring.  Like anything in life it can become more routine than fun.  Trying something new, whether a change of scenery or some added foreplay can be enough to add some excitement to your sex life.   Missionary position can become trite, so we compiled a list of positions to try (maybe, even tonight!):

1.     Reverse Missionary:  Missionary is a go-to position for many couples.  To try something slightly different than the traditional, switch up who is on top.  Having you lady on top can add a new perspective to an old position.

 2.     Spooning: Being able to hold your partner while having sex can add new depths to your relationship and increase intimacy in a very sexy way.  This position is usually very comfortable for both parties involved.

 3.     Make sex vertical: Literally, just stand up!  You can use a wall, counter or chair for assistance and support, but make any move you would have done laying down and flip it vertically.  This is the perfect opportunity to show off the gains you’ve made at the gym, as it can be a real workout.

4.     Use your diagonals: Sometimes all you need is a little angle to your missionary.  Try arranging yourself in a 45 degree angle on top of your partner to change the feeling of missionary and for some added sexual stimulation.

5.     The Lap Dance: This position is great because you don’t need to be in bed, a couch or recliner works just fine.  The male partner sits up-right while the woman straddles him.  This allows close face to face contact for intimacy as well the freedom to touch each other all over.  While she is on top you can let your hands roam freely on her back, sides or behind you for body support. 

6.     The Pretzel:  Not for the stiff jointed, straddle your woman's leg (similar to a scissor) while her other leg is on your side.  This allows for deep penetration that may be more comfortable for your partner because she is lying down.  It also allows your hands the freedom to play with her clitoris for extra stimulation.

7.     Reverse Cowgirl:  A favorite among males, this position allows a man to lay down flat while the female straddles his hips in reverse.  That is, your partner should be facing away from you.  This allows a man to relax and let her do most of the work.  Less effort and a new point of view makes it easy to see why it’s a favorite.

8.     Downward Dog:  A favorite for yogis, take this upside-down ‘V’ to the bedroom.  Align yourself with her body’s angles from behind, holding yourself up with your arms in pushup position to control the distance from the bed.   You can get creative with variations of this position, like open or closed legs, or placing a pillow under her stomach for added height and support.  You can figure out what feels best in this deep penetration position. 

9.     The Anvil:  Another missionary variation, this positon requires your lady to lay on her back while you are on top of her.  The variation is for her to put both of her legs on your shoulders. For all the geometry geeks out there, you should be forming a 90 degree angle.  This allows for deep penetration, more balance, and some hands free sex. 

10.  Counter Position:  As simple as it sounds. Find the nearest counter top and lift and lift your partner up on top of it, allowing her legs to straddle your hips. This position is good for quickies as well spontaneous sexual acts which get the hormones pumping. 

Tough Talk you need to have with your partner

No one wants to get hit with the “we need to talk”.  Especially in a relationship, this usually spells trouble.  But even if the lead in isn’t so dramatic, lots of couples have a hard time expressing their feelings, opening up, or communicating vulnerabilities properly or at all.  It’s hard to get the words right when you are bringing up tough topics and many times it can seem like there is never a good time to open up and discuss something.  What kind of things are we talking about here? Well here are some tough topics that might be tough to tackle but necessary in a healthy partnership

1.     Sexual issues

2.     Mental Illness

3.     Unresolved Traumas

4.     Genetic Risk for Disease

5.     Addiction

6.     Infertility

All of the above topics affect you and your partner, as much as you might think that it only affects you.  If you are having sexual issues within your relationship, not talking about it means there is no way to make it better.  Even if it can be awkward, communicating the problem is the only way to try to resolve it.  As far as medical issues like infertility, genetic risk for disease, and mental illness go – these things affect you and your partner as a couple and your future.  Not talking about it is not helping but hurting your relationship as it does not provide the opportunity to problem solve or make a plan for the future.  Additionally, you need to allow that person the opportunity to help you and be support for the burdens you feel that you are carrying. Addiction can also work much the same way, in that a partner typically suspects there is some time underlying issue, but until you accept and open up to the assistance they are likely to offer you, they can do nothing except be a spectator in your life. 

Many people have had unresolved trauma in their lives, and dredging up the past can be extremely painful and not necessarily something they want to do.  Within a relationship however, these secrets can alter the way you treat your partner.  That is you may hold onto trust issues, or easily anger over something miniscule or become overly emotional at something your partner does not view as problematic.  Sharing these stories can help your partner understand you and your experience better and help them to be more considerate in the future with you.   Without communication about these hot button topics, growth becomes impossible, as does true happiness.  Just make sure you are clear with what you want to say, you pick the right time, you stay positive, and communicate from a place of reason and not emotion.