Simple solutions when too tired for sex

We live in a 24/7 society burning candles at both ends. We’re tired resulting from lack of sleep which reduces motivation.  When we feel unmotivated, it spills over into various areas of our lives including our sex life. The phrase “Not tonight dear, I have a headache,” is more often than not being replaced by “Not tonight dear, I’m too tired.”  Balancing a busy life, adequate sleep and regular sex are colliding into each other as couples find it hard finding time for managing all three.

Typically most couples have sex right before they fall asleep at night or first thing in the morning when they wake up.  But after a long, arduous day at work, many couples are simply exhausted once their head hits the pillow and would rather catch zzz’s than take time to get sexual.  Morning sex also takes a backseat as couples have only so much time to sprint out the door for work.

In the beginning of your relationship, sex was exciting, fun, and spirited.  Now the energy-packed intimacy you once enjoyed has turned into more of a ‘too tired for sex’ feeling once you’ve crawled into bed and pulled up the covers.

Even though hectic schedules and always on the go can be part of the reason for a drop in sex drive, it’s not the only one.   There can be other reasons zapping your energy for having a romp in the hay.  Things that can and do affect all of us, but we need to recognize what they are and how to change that. 

1.      Boredom

If sex has become the same old, same old, then you may be finding it boring.  However, may be sex is boring because life in general has become boring for you. To light the sexual fires to once again blaze brightly, become passionate about a hobby or anything you find fascinating.  That spark of interest in another area of your life can often carry over into the bedroom.

2.     Depression

Feelings of sadness or hopelessness due to depression can result in sleep loss or sleep deprivation spilling over into lack of energy or desire for sex.  To improve your sex life, you have to first seek out a therapist to talk about your depression.  Treatment may include medication and finding ways to cope with the feelings associated with depression.

3.     Pressure to perform

Whether it’s one partner or the other, if one wants sex practically every night while the other is feeling pressured all the time to give in, this can backfire by them turning their back on you once in bed and using the excuse of being “too tired.” In this case, ease up on pressuring for sex and instead just try cuddling.  If there is no pressure or expectations involved many times will lead naturally to sex.  Even if it doesn’t, all of the hugging and touching releases enormous amounts of the love hormone oxytocin making you feel happy and more likely in the mood.

4.     Too much screen time

We know we should limit our children on “screen time” – TV, computers, cell phones, and laptops.  Adults are the same way.  If the hours before bedtime are spent staring at a screen for extended lengths of time, this can lead to drowsiness shutting down any form of sex once in bed.  To combat this, unplug at least one hour before bedtime.  Turn off the TV, shut down the computer and instead sit together on the couch cuddling and talking before heading to the bedroom.  That can often be the catalyst igniting the sexual spark preventing feelings of being too tired.

5.     Problems in the relationship

If the sparks flying between you and your partner are due to anger, resentment, or hurt feelings, you can forget about sex that night.  By the time you get into bed together, both of you will be too tired and emotional to even think of wanting intimacy.  If differences are too hard to work out on your own, seek out help with a marriage therapist to tackle the issues and reboot your sex life.

6.     Life is too busy

When every hour of the day is filled with other obligations like your job, paying bills, cleaning house or tending to children, you may be so overstressed and overscheduled you simply have no time or energy to fit in sex.  But if you want to maintain a healthy and loving relationship with your spouse, something else will have to give.  Figure out what is absolutely necessary to do and what can wait.  Sex is too important to a relationship to be too exhausted to never make time for it.

7.     Hormonal imbalance

Never forget how important hormones are.  Once they get out of whack, watch out.  Men who are lacking testosterone which notice a drop in their libido while women who are going through menopause, may notice more tiredness and just wanting to get a good night’s sleep once their head hits the pillow.  Men should talk to a urologist while women should talk to a gynecologist to obtain blood work checking on their hormone functioning.  If a hormonal imbalance is the problem that can usually be easily fixed resulting in more stamina and energy for sex. 

8.     Lack of sleep

Adequate sleep is necessary for all of us and if sleep deprivation has become common night after night, you will not have the interest or staying power to stay awake to even think about sex.  First figure out what is causing you to lose sleep.  Is it sleep apnea, anxiety, worry?  Addressing the problem keeping you from getting sleep can be life-changing including changing your vitality for sex.

Dr. David B. Samadi is a Urologic Oncology Expert and Robotic Surgeon located at 485 Madison Avenue on the 21st floor, New York, NY – 212-365-5000.  Follow Dr. Samadi at www.samadimd.com,  www.prostatecancer911.com, and www.roboticoncology.com.