Have you ever had times in your relationship when everything else in your life is going along well except for your sex life?  Your health is good, there are no functional problems with your ability to become aroused or even with your sexual organs.  But then when it comes time to go to bed at night and one partner is willing to get it on but the other just isn’t, what is the problem? 

The problem often points back to our bodies most predominant and influential sex organ – our brain.  Sex really begins in the brain and if your head is not into sex at the moment, the likelihood of it anything happening is likely not going to.

Spoilers of sex can be a multitude of things putting a damper on our love life.  Don’t let this happen.  Sex is uniquely shared with your partner and is what sets you apart from being merely roommates. It requires a level of trust and intimacy of giving and receiving sexually.  Sex creates passion and vibrancy to your relationship vital to keeping you connected.

What are the factors that could be having a significant impact on what should be an enjoyable activity we look forward to?  Here are a few common ones that could be causing the problem:

·         Issues with your partner

Conflicts with your spouse or significant other can undermine a couple’s sex life.  If tensions are thick and emotions are running high, you may have a complete shutdown of any kind of sexual doings.  When trouble is brewing, all bets are off when it comes to romance. Many factors can cause couples conflicts but they often revolve around financial issues, child-raising differences, or in-law disparities, which can and does carry over into the bedroom. 

If the conflicts are short-lived, they can be quickly be resolved with a couple coming to an understanding and agreement.  But if certain issues keep arising resulting in less intimacy, it’s time to see a therapist to help sort out differences and instructing on how to handle disagreements more affectively.

·        Unhappy with body image and low self-esteem

Part of being in the mood is to feel sexy.  When we have a good self-image and are confident in our looks, our sex life often takes off like a rocket.  But feelings of inadequacy often brought about with aging can leave us feeling anything but sexy or in the mood.  Our attitudes and feelings over receding or thinning hair, body changes after childbirth, weight gain, arthritis, are just a few things that get in the way of bringing us together and can inhibit a person from initiating or responding to sexual advances.

Look around and see how many people look perfect – none of us do.  Some things we can change, others we can’t.  Learning to be comfortable with the person we are is a step toward feeling more confident during the day and in bed at night.  Engaging in healthy lifestyle behaviors from eating a healthy diet, exercising, getting adequate sleep, and not smoking is the beginning of achieving the way you want to look giving you back your respect and self-worth.

·         Changes leading to stress

If you’ve lived long enough you are wise enough to know life is all about change.  And if you can roll with the changes life brings, you’ll be far ahead of the game of dealing with it effectively.  Change is inevitable – children grow up, parent’s age, careers have ups and downs, loss of loved ones, financial concerns, health issues – all are changes and each one brings stress.  Added to the big stressors of life are the smaller daily stressors we all experience. Put them altogether and it leaves us feeling exhausted, frustrated, or sad interfering with vital quality time necessary in helping a couple to connect along with snuffing out our sexual desire.

The trick here is to recognize that stress happens and sometimes there just isn’t much we can do about it.  But what you can do is create a more balanced life- have a weekly date night, manage your time wisely, eat healthy, rest, exercise and guard precious alone time for yourself each day.  Restructuring your daily life to where you feel more in control can benefit your relationship and your sex life.