Why intercourse is not key to women’s orgasms or sexual satisfaction 

Men, this may or may not come as a surprise, but it’s perfectly normal for women not to have orgasms during intercourse. Don’t blame yourself however; the simple truth is the majority of women need direct clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm.

At one time in the history of sex, many doctors believed that a high proportion of the female population simply couldn’t climax at all.  Of course it didn’t help that many of these doctors had little training if any in sexual medicine and were most likely too embarrassed to bring up the topic. Besides, the belief was women didn’t need to orgasm to conceive so why be concerned if she is able to orgasm or not.  Thankfully, those beliefs have changed.

However, to this day, it is estimated that about 10% to 15% of women have never had an orgasm or have a lot of difficulty in doing so whether with a partner or through masturbation.  This inability in women to achieve climax has a name - anorgasmia – and it can lead to a great deal of stress and frustration in a woman’s sex life.

For men the ability to achieve orgasm is different.  Most men will ejaculate when their genitals are stimulated under most circumstances.  For women, it’s not that simple.  Women need to have certain things occur to experience a full-fledged orgasm.  She needs to become aroused where she has agreed to have sex, her mind needs to stay clear and focused, there needs to be blood flowing to all the right places with sexual tension building as a precursor to orgasm. 

Men also need to understand that roughly only 25 percent of women are consistently orgasmic during vaginal intercourse.  It doesn’t depend on the length of intercourse, the size of a man’s penis or the strength of the relationship.  Basically, for most women, penile penetration or intercourse is not the key to their sexual satisfaction. Blame it on the clitoris, but because the clitoris is located outside and a few inches above it under the top junction of the vagina lips, intercourse does not provide direct clitoral stimulation necessary to help most women achieve a vaginal orgasm.

Reasons some women have trouble achieving an orgasm

Most women should be able to achieve an orgasm but sometimes there are factors preventing this from happening. Here are some reasons for this:

·      Medications such as antidepressants

·      Hormonal deficiency – common after menopause

·      Partner issues

·      Medical conditions such as diabetes or hypertension

·      Lack of exercise

·      Smoking

·      Drinking

·      Sleep disorders

Any woman who has been able to achieve orgasms in the past but is now having difficulty, should be evaluated by her physician.

How to help her experience orgasm

Many men will say the most important thing for them during lovemaking is to be able to pleasure their partner to the point of ecstasy.  If that’s the case, there are certain things a man can do to make this happen making her a very happy and satisfied recipient.  Here are a few ideas:

·      Remember sex begins before you even get into bed.  Give her subtle cues, like spontaneous kisses, hugs, giving her a massage or telling her how beautiful she is.  This helps set the mood.

·      Make her feel wanted and appreciated.  Don’t give the impression all you are after is just sex.  Women want to know how much you care about and love them and will turn on easier if she gets those vibes from you. 

·      Don’t rush sex.  It’s not a race to the finish line.  Take your time experimenting.  Ask her what she wants or likes.

·      Creating a romantic atmosphere is always nice.  Light a few candles, have a glass of wine, help her to feel comfortable and relaxed to ease her into the mood for sex.

·      Be a very generous lover.  Give her lots of kisses, hugs, strokes of her hair before you even touch her erogenous zones – clitoris, vagina, cervix, breasts and nipples, mouth and lips. 

·      Experiment with what areas of her body she likes touched or orally stimulated.  Don’t begin with the clitoris. Try starting with other erogenous zones first like her lips, mouth and breasts, before going for her genitals.

·      The stimulation of her clitoris is key to helping her achieve an orgasm. Whether this is done manually with your fingers or orally with your mouth and tongue, depends on what is exciting and a turn on for her.  This is where open communication between couples is important so you are both on the same page. 

·      If a woman’s clitoris is being pleasured during intercourse, there is a greater chance for her to reach an orgasm. Try stimulating the clitoris before and during intercourse so she is well lubricated and aroused. Choose positions such as you spooning her from behind as you penetrate her vagina while reaching around to stroke her clitoris at the same time. Another position to try is for her to lie on her back while you face her on your knees as you penetrate. This allows you easy access to touch and stimulate her clitoris. 

·      Don’t make her feel pressured to climax through vaginal intercourse.  Remember, most women do not and that’s okay.  There are many other ways this can be achieved. 

·      Most of all be very patient and understanding never making her feel like she is a failure or will never be able to orgasm.  If she knows you are sympathetic and forgiving about the situation, she is more likely to relax and learn to let go.

If you follow all of the above suggestions and she still is unable to have an orgasm, she may need to schedule a visit with her doctor or a sex therapist who can help women overcome these blocks to a sexually satisfying experience. 

Dr. David Samadi is the Director of Men’s Health and Urologic Oncology at St. Francis Hospital in Long Island. He’s a renowned and highly successful board certified Urologic Oncologist Expert and Robotic Surgeon in New York City, regarded as one of the leading prostate surgeons in the U.S., with a vast expertise in prostate cancer treatment and Robotic-Assisted Laparoscopic Prostatectomy.  Visit Dr. Samadi’s websites at robotic oncology and prostate cancer 911.